The Language of Energy

The Language of ENERGY

The white pooch is my boy "Frito"

Excerpts from Cesar’s Way by Cesar Millan

Thoughts for Mediators:

As a mediator, we have to take into account the language of Energy, our own energy and that of the participants in the mediation. There is no denying that in every mediation session, there is energy coming from every party. How you contain and move that energy as a mediator will have a great effect of the mediation session.
Things you should know about the "Language of Energy"
*There is a language that all animals speak, without even knowing it, including the human animal.
* All animals are born knowing this language instinctually. Even human beings are born fluent in this universal tongue, but we tend to forget it because we are trained from childhood to believe that words are the only way to communicate.
* The irony is, even though we don’t think we know the language anymore, we are actually speaking it all the time. Unknowingly, we are broadcasting in this tongue 24-7.
* Others can still understand us (humans and animals), they read us loud and clear, even when we’re unaware that we’re communicating.

When things become emotional in a mediation session, the energy is flowing. No one can hide the energy they are experienceing when they become emotional. As a mediator, you have to be aware of this energy, even when the parties are trying to hide it..... it is still in the room.
Energy and Emotion:
* Energy is a language of emotion.
* All the animals around you, including other humans, are reading your energy every moment of the day.
* You can say anything that pops into your mind, but your energy cannot and does not lie.

The goal as a mediator is to master the skill of having "Calm-Assertive Energy." This energy will give the participants the sense of security they need to speak freely and know thay you are going to keep the space safe. It is also an energy that is not overwhelming and will not shut participants down.
The Calm-Assertive Personality:

*This is the Energy a medaitor wants to portray.
*A calm-assertive leader is relaxed but always confident that he or she is in control.
*A calm-assertive personality is relaxed, even-tempered, but undeniably powerful, and always in charge.

Cesar shares some observations he has made over the years in regard to who animals will follow as a leader and who humans will follow.... My conclusion... our pets should be allowed to vote :~)
Power of the Pack:
* Animals won’t follow soft or weak energy.
* Animals won’t follow compassionate energy or a lovable leader.
* Animals will not follow overly excited energy.
* Animals will not follow an unstable leader, humans will.
* Animals will follow only a stable leader.

To learn more about Energy and Calm-Assertive Energy check out Cesars books.

http://astore.amazon.com/rcblog-20

Spotting a Lack of Safety

How does a mediator create safety? The advice given to those in a "Cruical Conversation" by the authors of the book "Crucial Conversations" (check out the book at http://astore.amazon.com/rcblog-20?node=2&page=2) is to step out of the content of the conversation and take care of the conditions of the conversation, then move back to the content. Don’t stay stuck in what’s being said when things are not going well, step out of the conversation, fix what is wrong with the conditions of the conversation and then step back in. The belief is that conversations go downhill when one or both parties in the conversation are not feeling safe.


So how does a mediator create safety in a mediation session? First, you have to know how people may act when they are not feeling safe in a mediation session. That is one of the problems... People who are not feeling safe act out in negative ways like yelling, finger pointing, arguing, becoming defensive, or totally shutting down and going silent.


Sometimes a mediator may take these kinds of behaviors to mean that the party is not cooperative or not trying to resolve the issues in the mediation. But, before you make these assumptions, think to yourself.... is this about safety? Should the mediator intervene and enforce ground rules, challenge the behavior of the party? Or should the mediator think about ways to create safety, make sure the party is feeling heard, take the fear out of the room?


Next time you are in a situation when a party in the mediation appears to be uncooperative... step out of the content and before you intervene ask yourself... Is this about safety? or something else.....????

Helping Someone Gain Insight

I listen to many Pod Casts. I recently listened to one in which David Rock, the author of a new book called "Quiet Leadership" is interviewed. In the book he talks about how leaders should be taught how to help their staff think, instead of just tell them what to do. He talks about ways in which we can "help people think better, not tell them what to do". This style of leadership is connected to mediation in that as mediators our job is to help people improve their thinking, not do the thinking for them.

David Rock outlines six steps to help some one improve their thinking..... Here is a short note on each...

1. The goal should be to help the other person "think about thinking." To step back from
the details and drama of a situation and help the person think better.

2. Listen for Potential. When you are working with someone who is struggling..... help them
to focus on what they are doing well, the positive.

3. Speak with Intent...Simplify. Help the person to feel safe and comfortable. Think about
what you are saying and how you are saying it. Keep it short and simple, do or say in 15
minutes what it could take 60 minutes to do or say. Focus on what is Useful versus what is
Interesting.

4. Dance toward Insight. Do not tell the other person what to do and then try to convince
them it is the right thing.... guide them on a process to find their own answer.

5. Create New Thinking. This is a great step which is hard to outline. You begin with the
persons current reality and explore different ways in which the conversation could proceed.
The trick is to watch for the topic which sparks the persons energy to rise... that is your sign
to move in that direction.

6. Follow-up. This is another great piece in the interview. To make a change you have to
focus your attention on that thought and/or intention everyday. When you focus the brain,
you build new neural connections....

This is a great book not only for leaders but for mediators. David Rock is a Life Coach and believes that people want to make decisions and they want to have new insights to their concerns and problems. Most leaders, and I would say most of us as humans, are trained or learn to tell people what to do, we are not good at helping them have insights.

If you want to listen to the full interview, it is only about 30 minutes long, here is a link
http://results.podbean.com/2007/02/18/landed-fm-radio-interview-with-david-rock-ceo/

Let me know what you think.......

If you are interested in the book check it out at my Amazon store, the link is
http://astore.amazon.com/rcblog-20

Emotional Intelligence & Social Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to bring intelligence to emotion. To view the human experience without bringing in emotion is short-sighted... Emotions are part of the human experience as much as thought. In his book Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman outlines Emotional Intelligence as:

• Knowing Ones Emotions;
• Managing Ones Emotions Appropriately;
• Motivating Ones Self;
• Recognizing and Understanding Other Peoples Emotions;
• Managing Relationships -- Managing the Emotions of Others.

Mediators who work with high conflict parties need to examine their own level of Emotional Intelligence. To appropriately intervene with parties in high emotion, I believe we must first be able to accept our own emotions and manage them, not deny or suppress them. The role of a mediator is to hold the space for parties so they can work on and address difficult issues. If the mediator is unable to accept and manage their own emotions...how can they create a space for others to accept and manage strong emotions?

I encourage all mediators to take an emotional intelligence test available on-line. There are many out there if you google for them.... One quick and easy test can be found at

http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/cgi-bin/tests/transfer.cgi?partner=pt&part=1&teaser=0&ref=free&ad=0&test=eiq_abridged&AMT=0.00&item=Emotional%20IQ%20Test%20-%20Abridged

The next frontier appears to be Social Intelligence.... Here is an article about Daniel Goleman's latest book.....

Daniel Goleman, the author of the best-selling book "Emotional Intelligence," is back with a new book on social intelligence -- the ability to read other people's cues and then act on them.
In "Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships," Goleman says that our brain is designed to make connections with other humans, and that our relationships have a real biological impact -- whether it's flirting with the opposite sex or succeeding at work.
Social intelligence means being smart in relationships by being empathetic, or being able to sense what others are feeling and their intentions.
Secondly, it means having the social skills to act on that information.
The people with the most social intelligence are those who are good listeners, Goleman says.
You can become a better listener by being motivated and mindful in social situations.
Instead of just saying what you think, stop and listen to the other person, and fine-tune your response to them.
Once you make the effort, and practice the skill, it comes naturally.
For full article see this link
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/story?id=2496899&page=1

Check out Daniel Goleman's books:
http://astore.amazon.com/rcblog-20