Spotting a Lack of Safety

How does a mediator create safety? The advice given to those in a "Cruical Conversation" by the authors of the book "Crucial Conversations" (check out the book at http://astore.amazon.com/rcblog-20?node=2&page=2) is to step out of the content of the conversation and take care of the conditions of the conversation, then move back to the content. Don’t stay stuck in what’s being said when things are not going well, step out of the conversation, fix what is wrong with the conditions of the conversation and then step back in. The belief is that conversations go downhill when one or both parties in the conversation are not feeling safe.


So how does a mediator create safety in a mediation session? First, you have to know how people may act when they are not feeling safe in a mediation session. That is one of the problems... People who are not feeling safe act out in negative ways like yelling, finger pointing, arguing, becoming defensive, or totally shutting down and going silent.


Sometimes a mediator may take these kinds of behaviors to mean that the party is not cooperative or not trying to resolve the issues in the mediation. But, before you make these assumptions, think to yourself.... is this about safety? Should the mediator intervene and enforce ground rules, challenge the behavior of the party? Or should the mediator think about ways to create safety, make sure the party is feeling heard, take the fear out of the room?


Next time you are in a situation when a party in the mediation appears to be uncooperative... step out of the content and before you intervene ask yourself... Is this about safety? or something else.....????